If I were not me.

I got into a fight with my mom about my life.
I am frustrated.
Everything, especially anything
about him are not going as I want.

Yesterday, I went out to drink
with a teacher and a pharmacist after EBM workshop.
Every time I go out to drink with someone,
he called me and checked
that I certainly get back to my house.
I was always annoyed with that.
I wondered why he does check all my time.
But without his calling yesterday, I felt lonely.
I felt that truly he's got away from me.
I got frustrated about
there were no phone and no text from him.
I got more frustrated about
that I expected him to care about me.
I felt that truly he'd abandoned me,
it came to me that I might be lonely in my future,
I got more lonely.
I did take it out on mom.

This morning, mom was so sleepy.
I hope I learned a lesson.

It makes the leaves on the trees fall.
Makes the hours in the day long.
Makes me wanna clear my head.
Find a little gap there and write the words to a song.
And I know that I'm still free.
Be anywhere that I wanna be.
Maybe get dressed up.
Wear something real pretty that you ain't never seen.
-----"Distance" by Emily King

After 38 years passed, I will never improve.
Myself gets annoying to me.
If I were not me.
I'd hoped so many time.
But I can't be some what is not me.
I have only to get along with myself.
I have only to accept all of myself.

I need his voice, his words, his warm now.
But there is just only a long distance.
Wanting to send him my true story,
Wanting him to know all of myself,
I'm writing here, secretly.