I can't leave you

I know you're just only so a busy businessman, enough.
But it's your fault leaving me alone without showing our direction.
I think it had been unnecessary to think too much
at least in the beginning of the period.
I think we'd had to do just only something on a stupid whim.
There is no one but you right now,
so I give you small space in my heart for a while.
Please go out as soon as possible.

Hang up tha phone
Hop in your whip
Boy, I'm home alone
In this empty ass crib
And I ain't goin' nowhere
'Cept somewhere with you
'Cept somewhere with you
Drive slow, remember patience is a virtue
There you go at my front door
I ain't goin' nowhere
'Cept somewhere with you
-----"Hang up tha phone" by Kiiara

You always know my time to want to leave you.
And you send me your voice or words or photos innocently,
I can't say no to you, I can't do anything but accept of you,
after all I can't leave you.

Wrap both your arms around my body
And dance like you are with nobody
I could not care what anyone thinks
Definitely not after those drinks
I have found my weakness in the shape of you
There's a kind of sweetness oozing out of you
-----"JUST DANCE" by HONNE

今度こそは、と思ったんだけどな。

好きな人は離れたところに住んでいる。て言ってもクルマでたかだか2時間半だし、多少の無理を承知なら、そんなに会えないこともない。私は会いたい。高知に帰ることにすれば、そこは通り道だし、なんとなく無理が無理じゃなくなる気がする。だから、高知に帰る頻度は増えた。この1か月の間に3回も。はじめは会ってくれたけど、ここ最近の2回はボウズ。「無理しなくていい」って言うけど、無理な距離を「無理しよう」って思わずにどう会うのだろう。そこまで会いたいとも思われていないのかもしれない。はじめは毎日のようにあった電話が、今週は2回。ラインを送り合う回数も激減。もう飽きられてしまったのかも。物理的な距離が、いよいよ精神的な距離に変化しようとしている。おかげさまで気持ちはめちゃめちゃ不安定。同居中の母親への理不尽な八つ当たりはそのせい。それに、ケータイがずっと気になって仕方ない。広がった距離は、「相手を失うことの寂しさ」から「何もないことの寂しさ」へ転化しそう。相手がどんな顔をしていたのか、もう忘れてしまいそう。どんな声で、どんなトーンで、どんな話をしていたのかも、もう忘れそう。

このところの学校の講義では、これまでやっていたことの復習をずっとしている。たくさんの基本的事項の確認は、バラバラだった知識をつなげていく。おかげで糖代謝、尿素回路にアミノ基転移反応、脂質の合成や代謝、核酸合成経路まで、単なる暗記でニガテだなと思っていた生化学のアレコレが、もうほとんど完全に覚えられた。それに、もうちょっとで、これらに関する疾患やクスリも整理できそう。覚え方のコツは、どこに「無理な反応」があるかを知ることだったりする。化学反応の基本は「より安定な状態を目指す」ことにある。化学反応自体が簡単で、できあがるもののエネルギーが低いなら、反応は自発的にバランスをとって簡単に起こる。でも、もともとの物質が安定で、反応すること自体に多くのエネルギーを必要とする場合、できあがるもののエネルギーがオリジナルより低かったとしても、その反応は進みにくい。そんなときには、熱や酵素など、反応を進めるための工夫が必要。つまり、カラダの中での「無理な反応」がどれかを知れば、その反応をさせるために必要なものがわかる。この工夫の仕方を間違えてしまったら、思ったのとは全然別のものができあがったりもする。

私たちの場合、お互いに一人でいた時間が長過ぎて、そもそも、もうそれで安定な状態になっている。だから、何か変化するには特別なエネルギーが必要なんだと思う。おまけに遠い。やっぱり「スープの冷えない距離」とかって、大事なんだろうな。ただ会うってだけで、気合いが必要だもん。なんとなく、遷移状態に突入する前に、反応エネルギーの曲線がもとの基底状態にかえっていくっぽい。そんなニオイがほのかに漂っている気がしてやりきれない。

恋愛を有機合成の話に例えるのはちょっと無理があるのかな。でも、授業を聞きながら、ぼんやりとそのことを考えていた。なんでかな、なんて、たくさん思っても考えても、何かを反省してみたりしても、わからないものはわからないのに。どこかに理由を見つけたくて、どんな話も関係あるみたいで。最低でも毎週末にはいつも電話をしていたのに、いきなり電話がないと哀しくて。何か希望の持てることを頭の中で必死で探したりしたら、前のうまくいかなかったやつが思い出されたりして、余計に哀しくなってしまった。もう、哀しいイメージしか浮かばない。

加えたエネルギーが不十分だったのかな、それか、エネルギーの加え方を間違えてしまったのかも。「ま、しゃーないわ」で笑って済ませられるように心の準備をしとかなきゃ。

ねえ　ミルク　またふられたわ
ちょっと　飛ばさないでよ　この服高いんだから
うまくは　いかないわね
今度はと　思ったんだけどな
あんたときたら　ミルクなんて飲んでてさ
あたし随分　笑ったわね
いつのまにバーボンなんて
飲むように　なったのよ
-----"ミルク32" text by 中島みゆき

今さら、わざわざ言うことでもないけど、
中島みゆきって、やっぱ天才やな。
満島ひかりもいい。

追記
After a while after writing this,
he gave me small chat, peacefully.
I was relieved from the bottom of my heart.

If I were not me.

I got into a fight with my mom about my life.
I am frustrated.
Everything, especially anything
about him are not going as I want.

Yesterday, I went out to drink
with a teacher and a pharmacist after EBM workshop.
Every time I go out to drink with someone,
he called me and checked
that I certainly get back to my house.
I was always annoyed with that.
I wondered why he does check all my time.
But without his calling yesterday, I felt lonely.
I felt that truly he's got away from me.
I got frustrated about
there were no phone and no text from him.
I got more frustrated about
that I expected him to care about me.
I felt that truly he'd abandoned me,
it came to me that I might be lonely in my future,
I got more lonely.
I did take it out on mom.

This morning, mom was so sleepy.
I hope I learned a lesson.

It makes the leaves on the trees fall.
Makes the hours in the day long.
Makes me wanna clear my head.
Find a little gap there and write the words to a song.
And I know that I'm still free.
Be anywhere that I wanna be.
Maybe get dressed up.
Wear something real pretty that you ain't never seen.
-----"Distance" by Emily King

After 38 years passed, I will never improve.
Myself gets annoying to me.
If I were not me.
I'd hoped so many time.
But I can't be some what is not me.
I have only to get along with myself.
I have only to accept all of myself.

I need his voice, his words, his warm now.
But there is just only a long distance.
Wanting to send him my true story,
Wanting him to know all of myself,
I'm writing here, secretly.

another one

I feel that we are gradually growing apart.
You are so busy that you can't find me in your heart.
And I am trying to get used to this distance.
It's not difficult.
Because it's only to make it back to the original.

It's like a synthetic organic chemistry.
The materials in stable state are too hard
to react without adding extra energy.
Although the more stable state is waiting,
it's difficult for them to get over a transition state.
We are in a long transition state.

You seem to be afraid of stepping into the next side.
Although you seem not to want to see me,
why do you want my voice or text every night?
Please don't get away if you want me.
Please don't put the reasonable reason
on your not doing anything.
Please don't get back to the stable state.
Adding more extra energy,
we can be in the more stable state, I think.

Feeling so confused.
You don't know what to do.
Afraid she might not love you anymore.
I know she says she does.
And hasn't lost your trust.
But who could that be knocking at her door?
-----"Another one" text by Marbriare Samuel Demarco

なかなかうまくいきませんな。

卵巣嚢腫の摘出手術から1ヶ月半。
あれから、右卵巣がまだ腫れているとのことで
心配しながら3度目の診察をしてきた。
1度目は生理中で、2度目は生理が終わった後、
3度目の今日はまた生理中にと、
排卵の具合を考慮しながらスケジュールを決めた。
今日は右卵巣の腫れはひいていて、
反対に左卵巣が腫れていた。
「たぶん、排卵の関係でしょう」と先生。
細胞診をしたいとのことで、
また来月、生理が終わったころに再診することになった。
なかなか長引くな。

それでも、恥ずかしながら主治医がかっこいいので許す。
It feels good that he touches.
I'm some kind of pervert...it's so embarrassing.









そろそろお勉強モードにならなければいけないので、恋愛モード休止。
そう思ったら、なんとなく気持ちが鎮まった。
11月にこっちに来たいと言っていたけど、
現実的には、テストがあまりに近すぎてそれどころじゃないだろうな、
というわけで、そのことを伝えた。
できれば前倒しで10月だとありがたいけど、
こんどはむこうの仕事が忙しすぎて、きっとそれはかなわない。
12月まで延びると、それはそれで気持ちが萎えてしまいそう。
むこうは、連絡し合えていれば大丈夫だと思ってるみたいだけど、
私は、お互いにフェイドアウトしてしまうんじゃないかなと思っている。
It's like a "virtual love", so it seems to be vanished away soon.
I'll try to keep, but I have no confidence.
Because I'm living in my own time, so as you.
けっこう残念だな。

ま、とりあえず勉強優先で、忘れたら忘れたときに考えることにしよう。

Something is missing.

The uncertain plan to meet each other in November
is almost vanished away.
Because I have to study so hard
for the important examination that can't be missed.
I'd like to meet him in October, but he can't adjust to me.
He said we can't do without pushing it back to December.
When I heard that, I thought our connection was almost over.

He always says "we don't have to go out of our way to meet".
If so, when we flow into each other?
Now, our connection is so light, that we can blow it off.
Without going out of our way to meet,
can our connection grow up to the thing that we can't ignore?
Without your wanting to meet me,
can our connection get more deeply involved?
I can't get our situation which connected only by phone and LINE.



I'd like to meet you as soon as possible.
But it will never be happened, without your will.

the sweetest moment.

You slept, as soon as the hearing my voice.
You say "your voice makes me sleepy" every time.
I know that's because you're always exhausted.
But I like to hear you say so in your sleepy voice.
The signs of your falling asleep also makes me sleepy.
It always makes me feel like slipping into your bed.
It always makes me feel like snuggling up.
It's the sweetest dozing.

It's been sweet and brutal long plays since I last had the will
To grow out of this clumsy epidermal thrill
Hexed and breathless lousy, lost in my despair
Can't shake off this itching, need to teeth and tear
His flesh will nurse my hungry compulsion back to health
Drippings of your pale see, sskin so usually fair
Doctor, here's my love, he cold, can you repair?
The bites left him empty, silently he stares
Oh oh, oh oh
Even when he not there
-----"Oh oh" by deluxe

Don't say "it's enough time you fall asleep".
Don't say "you don't have to wait".
I need the sweetest moment.

Monday is coming back.
You'll be so busy that you couldn't find me in your dream.